It's haunting to see a witness statement you gave to a mass death scene half a lifetime ago.
Staring again at words you can't remember speaking from way in your past, at a time of deep grief, unlocks forgotten emotions and takes you to a difficult place.
That's how I feel after responding to the IPCC's witness appeal and seeing the statement I gave to West Midlands Police in 1989, in the dark days after the Hillsborough Disaster.
Reading it now I realise why I felt at the time as though I was under investigation, simply for going to a football match.
Virtually all the questions were slanted towards finding out how culpable the fans were: "What time did you arrive at the ground? Did you witness any disorder? Did you witness any consumption of alcohol in the streets?Did you witness alcohol being brought into the ground or consumed inside the ground? Did you witness any act by supporters which obstructed police, stewards or medical persons? Were you subjected to any threats or violence? Did you witness anything you consider to be a criminal act by any person?"
Not a single question about how many police were outside the ground, the state of the stadium, whether any stewards filtered people away from the central Leppings Lane death pens, whether police officers responded to dying fans screaming to be let out of the cages, or if I saw any medics helping casualties.
Just a set of questions geared entirely towards the behaviour of people, like myself, whose only fault was that we saw fellow fans die.
What struck me most about re-reading my words was how we were on the floor, smeared and desperately fighting against a wall of prejudice that went right to the top. As though we were prime suspects in a murder inquiry.
Imagine if you'd survived a plane crash which killed 96 people and when the police came to gather your observations, they didn't ask about the capability of the pilot and crew, the state of the plane or the emergency service response.
But only how much the passengers drank before they boarded, how quickly they took their seats and whether they were rowdy. In other words: "can you confirm that they caused the disaster?" Indeed, can you imagine that line of questioning happening after any tragedy in British history outside of Hillsborough?
I can't say if my statement was changed when it was fed into a wider investigation but I do have severe doubts about one of the answers I gave.
When asked if I'd had any problem getting into the ground I say "we had to force our way around a crowd to get to our turnstiles"
There is a gap and the words "but they, our turnstiles were operating efficiently." That's the opposite of my recollection and doesn't fit with the tone of my language on the rest of the statement.
Was it added afterwards by the West Midlands Police? Who knows? What we do know is that already many discrepancies have been found by the 1,000 fans who have come forward to study their statements.
But there are still 11,000 people who haven't. If you're one of them, I urge you to visit the IPCC's website and do so. You may not think you have anything new to offer but you possibly do.
And even if you don't, it will be therapeutic to revisit your raw anger from 24 years ago and realise why you cannot rest until justice is delivered.
Source: Daily Mirror
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